Hi all,
Last week I asked you all for your feedback on why you read this newsletter (after writing it for 3 years). I got hundreds of responses that I'm still reading through but the majority said it was the combination of hearing how someone (me) is navigating the ups and downs of career + life in real time.
So I thought I'd share with you all something that I struggled with recently and what I did about it.
The world feels really heavy right now.
And for a while I was really struggling with how much I was letting in.
Social media feeling too intense.
Friends going through rough times.
Typical work stress.
And add on the impending upside down life altering event of giving birth in just a few short months.....
I was feeling really down.
As someone who never wants to be seen as being "too busy" for my friends and family - I mistook being there for someone with absorbing their energy.
I thought being a good daughter/sister/partner/mom meant having endless emotional availability.
I thought support meant letting everyone else’s feelings fully enter my nervous system.
But there is a difference between being being open and being porous.
And lately?
I was porous.
Every hard conversation stuck to me.
Every sad story followed me around for the rest of the day.
Every text that started with “can I vent?” made my chest tighten before I even knew what was coming.
And listen.....I want to be there for the people I love.
Deeply.
But I also realized I was confusing empathy with emotional absorption.
Empathy says: I can sit with you in this.
Absorption says: I must carry this as if it is mine.
Those are not the same thing.
One is connection.
The other is self-abandonment dressed up as kindness.
A few weeks ago, after a particularly emotionally heavy day, I was on a walk with Dan and he was talking to me about something stressful.
I immediately took it on thinking - this is now mine with him.
But then I paused...
and I thought to myself:
Maybe I don't have to take this on right now.
And maybe.... I just need a little bubble.
....not a wall......
a bubble.
Because a wall keeps people out.
A bubble lets you stay soft while still having a boundary.
A bubble says:
- I can love you without becoming you.
- I can listen without fixing.
- I can care without carrying.
- I can be present without becoming depleted.
And I know this sounds simple, but for those of us who have been rewarded our whole lives for being capable, available and emotionally useful....
this is hard.
If you've been the one people always come to - and are needing a little emotinal bubble time - keep reading.
♟️ YOUR TURN:
If you’ve been feeling emotionally exhausted by everything and everyone lately, I want you to try creating what I’m calling your Bubble Boundary.
This is not about becoming cold.
This is not about ignoring people you love.
This is not about opting out of caring.
It’s about learning how to stay connected without being consumed.
Here are 5 ways to blow your bubble:
1. Ask: “Is this mine to hold?”
When someone you love is struggling, it’s very easy to pick up the whole thing with them.
Their fear.
Their sadness.
Their conflict.
Their decision.
Their urgency.
But not every emotion in the room belongs to you.
Before you absorb it, ask:
- Is this mine to solve?
- Is this mine to carry?
- Is this mine to feel, or mine to witness?
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is witness without taking ownership.
2. Check your capacity before you consent
I used to think availability was a sign of love.
Now I think honest capacity is.
There are days when I can take the 45-minute phone call and be fully present.
There are days when I can send a voice note.
There are days when the most loving thing I can say is:
“I love you. I want to give this the attention it deserves but I don’t have the capacity tonight. Can I call you tomorrow?”
This is not selfish.
This is emotional honesty.
Because when you overextend, you may physically show up but emotionally check out.
And people can feel that.
3. Stop confusing support with solving
This one is hard for the fixers.
The planners.
The high performers.
The “send me the problem and I’ll send you a 7-step plan".
It's me. Hi. I'm the problem. It's me.
But here's the thing....
not everyone needs (or is looking for) a solution.
Sometimes they just need to vent.
Sometimes they need to hear, “That sounds really hard.”
I’ve started asking:
“Do you want support or solutions?”
And I've also checked myself and asked:
"Is this mine to solve?"
Support says: I’m here with you.
Solving says: I’m now responsible for making this better.
Learning the difference is key.
4. Create an energetic transition
You know I'm alllllll about transitions. The time between our different roles that we play that allow us to set down teh heaviness from the thing prior.
And let's face it...there are some conversations that stay in your body.
You hang up the phone with a family member and suddenly you’re short with your partner.
You read one intense post and suddenly everything feels painted blue.
You open one email and now your nervous system is buzzing.
So I’ve been trying to create tiny energetic transitions.
Sometimes I’ll literally picture myself blowing a bubble around me.
A soft boundary.
A little energetic rinse.
It sounds woo-woo until you realize most of us are walking around carrying residue from 19 different emotional inputs and wondering why we’re exhausted.
5. Build your “not right now” scripts
Boundaries are easier when you don’t have to invent them while you’re depleted.
So here are a few scripts I’ve been using:
- “I love you and I’m here. I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for a big conversation tonight.”
- “I want to be present for this. Can we talk tomorrow when I can give it my full attention?”
- “I can listen, but I may not be in a place to give advice.”
- “I need to step away from my phone tonight but I’ll check in tomorrow.”
Good people may be disappointed.
But they will also understand.
And the people who only love your availability more than your humanity?
.......that’s information.
The goal is not to become less loving.
The goal is to make your love more sustainable.
Because you are allowed to have limits.
So this week, I want you to ask yourself:
- Where am I confusing love with availability?
- Where am I absorbing what I’m only meant to witness?
- Where do I need a bubble instead of a wall?
- Because perhaps we all need to blow a bubble.
Not to disconnect from the people we love.
But to stay connected to ourselves while loving them.
Would love to know if this resonates.
Reply to this email and tell me where you need to blow a bubble this week.
Sending hugs,
Amanda