♟️ MY TURN:
After 8 years of separation, divorce and dating as a single mom of 3, I’m getting married again (IN TWO DAYS!!!)
So this is going to be a shorter newsletter as I write this with a ton of boxes to be packed into my car and taken over to the venue.
Today I wanted to share 8 ways that I am doing marriage differently this time around as someone who does not ever want to ensure the emotional, mental and financial pain of divorce.
1. We both go to therapy.....even when things are good
The first time, therapy felt like something you did when things were already on fire.
Now, therapy is maintenance, not an emergency room.
We go even when things are fine.
Especially when things are fine.
Because “fine” is usually where resentment quietly builds, stories get made up, and distance sneaks in.
Proactive > Fixing.
2. Separate money + shared money
We each keep separate bank accounts and we have a joint account for shared bills and family expenses.
Not because we’re hiding things.
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Because we both value:
- Financial independence
- Transparency
- Agency
We share a life.
But we also value our autonomy.
3. We don’t believe in “becoming one”
I no longer romanticize the idea of merging into one being.
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We’re two whole people choosing to walk side by side…..not morph into a single identity.
That means:
- We can have different opinions, needs, and dreams.
- We don’t have to like all the same things.
- We protect each other’s individuality instead of being threatened by it.
Unity doesn’t require sameness.
4. We prioritize time apart
We actively make space to explore who we are….and who we are becoming….outside of the relationship.
Solo trips.
Time with friends.
Hobbies the other one doesn’t participate in.
Time apart is not a sign something is wrong.
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It’s how we make sure we’re still two people who are choosing each other, not just coexisting by default.
5. We take turns leading
I used to believe a “fair” relationship meant 50/50 at all times.
Now I think of it more like a relay race.
Some seasons, I’m carrying more.
Some seasons, he is.
We’re aiming for equity, not rigid equality:
- What does this season require?
- Who has more capacity right now?
- How do we support the one who’s carrying more so they don’t burn out?
We don’t keep score. We keep perspective.
6. We don’t fight to win
In my first marriage, each of us wanted to be right.
Now, I want to understand and be understood. .
We don’t argue to land the perfect point or deliver the best closing argument.
We fight to understand:
- What need is underneath this reaction?
- What story is each of us telling ourselves?
- What are we actually afraid of right now?
If one of us “wins” and the other feels smaller, the relationship loses.
7. Weather vs. climate
Every relationship has weather:
Bad days.
Miscommunications.
Stressed weeks.
Kids melting down.
Travel.
Work chaos.
The question isn’t: “Was this week hard?”
The question is: “What’s the climate of this relationship over time?”
Do I feel fundamentally safe?
Do I feel chosen?
Do I feel like myself here?
I can handle storms.
But I won’t sign up to live in permanent bad weather.
8. We acknowledge the characters of our relationship.
Just like character theory in Toxic Grit taught us to acknowledge the competing characters inside of us vying for attention in the movie of our life….couples also have their own characters.
- Sometimes we are coparents juggling the kids.
- Sometimes we are friends laughing and building a friendship that lasts.
- Sometimes we are business partners supporting and navigating the big decisions of our career.
- Sometimes we are roommates keeping a house clean, organized and taken care of.
- Sometimes we are lovers connecting on a deep intimate level.
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Our job is to make sure one or two characters don’t take over the movie of our life.
In conclusion….
The first time, I wanted the fairytale.
This time, I want the real life that comes after it.
I’m not bending myself to fit someone else’s expectations.
I’m not playing emotional contortionist to keep the peace.
I’m not pretending I don’t need help.
I want a partner, not a project.
Someone I can build a boring, beautiful life with.
Someone who knows it’s not 50/50 every day, it’s “I’ve got you” when the other one can’t.
We make time to laugh.
To rest.
To reconnect.
To get out of the house and remember why we chose each other in the first place.
It’s not perfect.
It’s honest.
And I’m so ready to marry this incredible human.
See you all on the other side!