- My relationship with my family
- Why fissures lead to cracks
- Framework: what cookies do they have
♟️ MY TURN:
This is a vulnerable newsletter that I debated talking about but feel it’s a topic that may resonate with some of you.
None of my family will be at my wedding next weekend.
My parents have never flown on an airplane and Miami is too far away and lately I’ve gone low contact with them after some difficult conversations.
On top of that, my brother and I no longer have a relationship.
A lot of my extended family don’t share the same values as very conservative Catholics from the Midwest (and if I’m being real with you, I wouldn’t necessarily feel comfortable with them there as I marry a Jewish man.)
It has sparked a lot of conversations between me and my friends.
I’ve struggled a lot with feelings of anger and grief of not having the parents I wish I had.
People who showed up for me.
Celebrated me.
Saw me.
Acknowledge the gap between my needs and what they were able to give me.
I’ve had random strangers on the internet celebrate me more than my own parents.
According to a survey conducted by Pillemer in 2019, 27% of Americans are currently estranged from a relative.
And I’ve really wrestled with what the path is going forward.
“But You’re the bigger person”
My dad has said this phrase to me all my life.
It was a stone set on my shoulders at a young age that I’ve carried through life.
I’ve done years of therapy to be able to *see* someone with all their trauma and shortcomings and, feeling the full weight of the stone, accept them and love them for who they are.
They had a rough childhood.
They were raised by tough people.
It was a different time.
But I’ve begun to wonder where the line is.
What is a gap that we can easily skip across and meet the people where they are at….
and what is actually a canyon that we will undoubtedly fall and die if we foolishly choose to make the leap.
My therapist has helped me accept that you don't have to choose a binary "yes" or "no" when it comes to relationships with family.
Communities online have developed their own lingo:
- “LC” stands for “low contact”
- “VLC” for “very low contact”
- “NC” for “no contact”
A Hot (And Dangerous) Take
Mel Robbins decided to share her opinion in this New York Times article titled “Life is too short to Fight with Family” and I believe this is a very dangerous rhetoric to put into the world.
In the article Robbins warns against the dangers of distancing ourselves from those whose beliefs differ from our own. She warns that in the long run, creating relational and physical distance between ourselves and loved ones we disagree with “will likely have a devastating impact on (our) happiness and well-being.”
The Let Them Theory author advises readers to bear with the faults and failings of family members, saying that the key is “learning how to accept people as they are, sometimes in spite of who they are.”
We’ve been told things like ‘Blood is thicker than water’ and ‘A family is forever.’
I even remember an aunt saying I was ridiculous for divorcing someone who hadn’t cheated or hit me or had a substance abuse problem.
It’s like my reasons weren’t “good enough”.
That’s the problem with these narratives.
Yes....there are huge ruptures that lead to estrangement.
But, often, other fissures are harder to trace.
Some people feel ignored or misunderstood by their parents, or believed that a sibling had always been the family’s favorite.
Some describe a family member as a “classic narcissist” or as “toxic.”
At the end of the day you can grieve the family you wish you had while also knowing it’s not your job to be the sole conduit (or punching bag) of peace in your relationships.
I do believe that the world is bifurcating into binary sectors of beliefs and the bridge to closing that gap is curiosity.
But curiosity needs to be reciprocated.
It can’t be one-sided.
Your family needs to be curious as to why your needs aren't being met just as much as you are curious as to why they struggle to meet them.
They may not be able to go from a 1 to a 10. But they can embark on the journey from a 1 to a 1.5.
But so many of us are dealing with people who are stuck at a 1 and refuse to budge.
They blame.
They avoid.
They don’t choose curiosity.
And if this is your situation, I wanted to share how I am navigating this.
♟️ OUR TURN:
Ok so here’s where I landed.
And I caveat all of this to say…..I am NOT a therapist.
And every familiar dynamic is unique.
So if you are traversing a difficult entanglement of feelings toward your own family, might I suggest a conversation with a more professional untangler?
I once had a therapist give me this analogy that I’ve found quite useful in looking at relationships.
Imagine someone made you a plate of oatmeal raisin cookies.
They have always made oatmeal raisin cookies; they are their favorite cookies and they are always going to be prone to making them.
But you really want chocolate chip cookies.
They can’t give you chocolate chip cookies.
They only have the ingredients, recipe, know how, and passion to make oatmeal raisin cookies.
There are four choices:
- Accept their oatmeal raisin cookies
- See if they are curious about learning a new recipe
- Make your own cookies
- Go find someone else who has the cookies you want.
In any relationship, you may find yourself wanting something different from someone and have to evaluate if that person has the ingredients to give you what you want or is curious in learning how to cook what you like.
Today I'm accepting they can't give me the cookies they want, letting go of the anger that I can't get the cookies from them while also spending more time at the bakeries who can.