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How To Use Inner World Psychology to Communicate Effectively

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♟️ MY TURN:

Today is another stop at Emotional Home Depot: a content series to bring you the [inner work] tools I’ve picked up along the way.

The opening of one of my favorite business books starts with the following story (summarized for my purposes here)...

A man is on the NYC subway with his two young boys. A woman gets on the train and sits down.

She watches as the two young boys run around the train car, swinging on the poles and pretend sword fighting. The woman keeps staring at the dad, who is staring at the floor.

Finally she looks at him and says “sir, can you please tell your children to sit down” and he looks at her, snapping out of his fog.

“I’m so sorry. We just left the hospital where we had to say goodbye to their mother.”

The woman immediately got up and played with the kids, giving the dad some space.

In a span of 30 seconds, the woman went from anger to empathy.

Today’s stop at emotional home depot will be all about the concept of inner worlds.

• What is an inner world?
• How to understand yours
• How to understand others

This is the unlock that led to me being a better leader, mother and partner.

What is an "Inner World"?

An inner world is made up of someone’s experience, trauma, knowledge, emotions and how they perceive reality.

Because of this….there are 3 sides to any story:

1. One person’s perspective based on their inner world
2. The other person’s perspective based on their inner world
3. The reality of the situation

Learning how to control your inner world and understand/empathize with others’ will help you excel in all relationships.

♟️ YOUR TURN:

Ready to use the understanding of inner world to grow personally and professionally?

Whenever something happens that causes your emotional spidey-senses to go up (some may call this "triggered")…..use this 4 part strategy.

Step 1: Pause

Let’s say a person left you out of an important meeting you should have been in or your partner left their dirty clothes on the bathroom floor.

All of a sudden you feel......a way.

Anger? Frustration? Sadness? It’s hard to tell.

Take a moment to pause and acknowledge the feelings getting stirred.

"Inner World Soup"

Imagine all of the negative experiences you've ever encountered sitting inside of you like a soup. The pot is simmering nicely until someone or something comes along and stirs it all up & cranks the heat until it boils over.

The stuff boiling over was there from before.

We do the same thing with emotions. Sometimes a situation can feel familiar to a past trauma or experience and we respond with the emotions that had been waiting to boil over from years ago.

• My go to phrase in these moments:​
  "I'm feeling it at an 8 but logically I know it's more like a 3."

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Step 2: Assess

Now it’s time for an inner world assessment.

• What do you feel?
• Who else in your life has made you feel this way?
• What has happened in that relationship lately to make you feel this way?
• Have you taken care of your basic emotional and physical needs today? (I find I’m always more irritable if I’ve been staring at a screen all day and haven’t had any fresh air)

After you’ve taken a moment to assess your inner world, use the 10-10-10 framing to ensure your emotions are sized appropriately for the situation.

• Will this matter in 10 days?
• Will this matter in 10 months?
• Will this matter in 10 years?

Now you know how you feel and why, turn your focus on the other person.

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Step 3: Possible Explanations

When I am triggered, it’s important for me to take my knowledge of inner worlds and put myself in the other person’s shoes.

Imagine if the woman on the subway had done this before yelling at the dad.

In this step I consider 2-3 possible explanations for why the other person did the thing they did. I challenge myself to come up with possible scenarios that don’t support the narrative I’m currently subscribing to.

Scenario one: left out of a meeting

• They want me to look bad in front of the boss.
• They had an agenda that didn’t need me and wanted to spare me the hour.

Scenario two: dirty clothes on the floor

• They don't respect me and think I'm supposed to clean up after them.
• They were so stressed about their deadline, they rushed to work.

Now your brain is back in logic mode, not emotion mode. You understand there are various explanations for why someone did the thing they did and you can proceed to step 4.
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Step 4: Grab a tool

Now it's time to communicate. Communication should be focused on your feelings and your needs and avoidant of blame.

There are 2 tools/phrases I use when I am triggered thanks to my amazing therapist.

Phrase 1: The story I’m telling myself…..

Phrase 2: I feel……When……Because…..I would like….

Let’s continue with our examples…..

Scenario one: left out of a meeting

Hey Travis…...the story I’m telling myself is you left me out of the project meeting because you wanted to get the credit for the project updates.

Scenario two: dirty clothes on the floor

Hey Travis…..I feel sad when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor because it makes me feel like you don’t value my time or energy. I would like you to please put them in the hamper when you are done.

Navigating this world with empathy can be difficult because our inner worlds tell us stories based on what we have been told to be true, experienced in our lives and trained to feel.

It’s important to use the following 4 steps to communicate your needs and feelings and use inner world psychology to get to your desired outcomes.

1. Pause
2. Assess
3. Explain
4. Request

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I’m proud of you for all you are handling right now. 💚
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