Hi friends,

This is going to be a #realtalk newsletter slash letter today about something I’ve struggled with this year.

For those who don’t know, Dan and I are expecting a baby this August.

Funny story about that….

In November we were told by a fertility specialist that we would need to use IVF if we wanted to have a shot at having a baby.

But we had made the decision to start the IVF process after the wedding.

After that appointment we were a little less *careful* because the odds (and our path to have a baby) were quite clear

….or so we thought.

Just a few weeks later that second line on the pregnancy test was quite the pre-wedding gift from the universe.

We are thankful to have now made it well into the second trimester and things are looking and feeling good.

But, almost immediately, the weirdest shame crept in.

Not about the baby.

About what the baby represented.

Because around the same time I was falling in love and getting married, I kept seeing headlines and hot takes that basically boiled down to: romantic partnership is cringe now.

Like this one from British Vogue: “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?”​

And I laughed… and then I didn’t.

Because I’ve spent years decoupling my worth from my relationship status. I became a single mom. Built a life. Built independence. Built a system that didn’t require anyone else to survive.

I got comfortable being the woman who didn’t need a man.

And now here I am… married again. Pregnant again.

I’ve started to explore what it might look like to slow down a bit in my career as I gear up to experience what will most likely be the last time I ever experience pregnancy, birth and having a baby at home.

But I started to question…..am I falling right in line with the traditional gender role / trad wife movement?

A 2025 poll showed support for a return to traditional gender roles was highest among Republican men at 87 percent, followed by Republican women at 79 percent. Democratic women were the least likely to support a return to traditional gender roles (21 percent do) compared with 26 percent of Democratic men.

There is a push in society for women to “get back into the kitchen” and “have babies”.

And here I am feeling like I’m falling right in line.

How am I supposed to fight the patriarchy and push for my daughters to have more choice and agency (and less guilt) in their life if I’m just doing what the patriarchy wants me to?

But that’s when it hit me.

CHOICE.

AGENCY.

That’s what feminism is all about.

The most recurring definition I found of feminism = advocating for the political, economic, personal, and social equality of all sexes, challenging patriarchal systems that prioritize men, and ending sexist exploitation and oppression.

As I meditate on this definition a few things really jump out at me.

• Having a boyfriend isn’t embarrassing but staying in a relationship that is oppressive or de-prioritizes you and your needs……is. Don’t be with anyone who needs you to make yourself smaller.

I chose to leave someone who didn’t respect me and my needs. I have chosen to spend my life with someone who prioritizes my needs and supports my career.

• Having a baby isn’t falling into the trad wife movement if it’s your choice to do it versus feeling obligated to because of your age, or as something to “give” your partner or family, or if doing so puts you in a situation of oppression and inequality.

I have chosen to have this baby because we want to experience it together and raise a good human that will make the world better.

• Slowing down your career isn’t anti-feminist but you need to know where the money is and feel ownership over it and keep pathways open to making money on your own.

I have chosen to slow down my career with complete access to our money and a clear checkpoint with my partner in six months to see how I’m feeling and if I want to continue or get more support so I can take more on.

Choice.

Equality.

That’s what women are fighting for (well at least 20% of Republican women and almost 80% Democratic women).

A world where women can be celebrated and supported through the different seasons and choices of life - whatever they be.

And that’s what I will continue fighting for.

​
Signed,

A divorced by choice,
remarried by choice
soon-to-be mom of 4
by choice.

​
PS I’d be curious if any other ambitious women out there struggle with these feelings right now?