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The Psychology of Resilience
& How to Build it

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Quick Spin:

• The psychology of resilience
• Why rumination is holding you back
• An exercise my therapist used with me after divorce
• 8 steps for building your resilience muscle

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♟️ MY TURN:

Life may not come with a map, but one path is certain: everyone will experience twists and turns along the way.

Those who appear to be navigating the turbulence calmly have just strengthened the muscle of resilience.

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This week’s newsletter is a letter to my former self. An aggregation of things I’ve learned from my winding path of life:

• infertility struggles
• a painful divorce
• raising 3 kids under the age of 5 by myself during COVID
• moving 6 states in the span of a year thanks to a global pandemic
• and so much more.
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The psychology of resilience

Psychologists define resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity. It does NOT mean you won’t feel distress or experience emotional pain.

Resilience is not a personality trait but rather a culmination of behaviors, thoughts and actions. It’s like building any kind of muscle. It requires exercises, practice and intentionality.

Why most struggle

Most people struggle because a bump in the road stalls their car.

Rumination is when something bad happens, we relive the event over and over in our heads, rehashing the pain. Many people can’t move forward from something because they are stuck spinning their wheels in the mud of the past.

The Silver Linings Strategy →

Whenever your brain recalls something painful from the past, try to counter it with 3 things that have come about from it.

Perhaps you grew from it.
Perhaps it forced you into a new path full of new opportunities.

The letter my therapist made me write.....

It had been 5 years since my divorce and I was still ruminating on what I went through and how I suffered - holding on to so much anger.

I was stuck in the mud.

This mud was affecting my ability to move on - trust others - open myself up to deep relationships - to soften.

My therapist asked me to write a letter.

The prompt was to write to acknowledge and validate all of the things I lost from the experience and learned from the experience. She specifically told me to not use the word grateful because you don’t have to assign positive emotions to something that was traumatic.

The next part was most important: conduct a ceremony.

I had to take the letter to the ocean and set it free or burn it. (I chose the ocean.) The purpose of this act was to create a ceremony to mark the change between the person I was before and the person I was going to be after. Kind of like a wedding. We don’t magically change after the ceremony but it’s a symbol of change and a new era.

The ceremony of putting that letter in the ocean and letting it go marked a new chapter for me. I let go of all the pain and suffering of my past and decided to move forward.

All of that was part of my past, not my present.

Feel free to try it.

Hope it helps you as much as it did me.
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♟️ YOUR TURN:

If you are navigating a difficult time, I’ve summarized 8 tips I've gathered along my path to help move through it.

Try these when you need to kick the mud off and get back on the road to your goals.
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Tip 1: Acceptance

You may not be able to change a highly stressful event, but you can change how you interpret and respond to it. Accepting this thing happened is the first step in moving through it.
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Tip 2: Agency

Remember you have the power to make life happen FOR you, not TO you.

Start making small decisions about your life to take back control.

Remind yourself of the previous challenges you've overcome. Reflecting on your resilience reinforces that you possess the strength and capability to navigate difficult times. Use past successes as a source of inspiration and evidence of your agency.

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Tip 3: Set realistic expectations

When we are faced with a difficult situation it’s important to reassess what’s possible.

Former you may be wanting to get a lot done but current you can only manage to do 30% of it.

Reminder:
If you only have 30% to give and you give all 30%....you gave 100%.

Break your big goals into smaller more manageable to-dos to help you feel like you are still moving forward, even if a little slower than you originally desired.

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Tip 4: Allow Emotions

If you started a fire in a fireplace but didn’t open the vent you’d likely hurt everyone in the room with the smoke.

Resilience is built by opening your vent to not hurt anyone else around you.

Feeling sad? Cry.
Feeling angry? Go to a boxing class and hit something.

Find outlets for letting the emotions out before they smoke up the room.

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​Tip 5: Find community

Remembering that you are not alone in your struggle is key to moving through it.

My only caution: do not center relationships on your trauma.

My best friend and I were both going through a divorce at the same time and we would allow a 10 minute vent session and when the timer went off, we couldn’t talk about it anymore. Don't confuse venting and support with trauma bonding.

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​Tip 6: Celebrate progress

Acknowledge and celebrate even small victories along the way. Shame depletes energy. Celebration generates it.

Got outside today? Celebrate it.
Showered? Let's fucking go.
Stayed focused on a project for an hour? Rockstar!

Inner narratives matter so much. Learn more about the power of inner voices here. ​

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Tip 7: Seek help.

There will be times where the mud gets too thick and you need some help getting unstuck.

The best way to find a therapist is to ask others around you for a referral.

Need a prompt? Try this:

“Hey - feeling a bit stuck lately and realize I could benefit from an independent third party. Do you happen to know a great therapist?”

No matter what you are navigating right now I hope you know you are not alone and you can use this season to build your resilience muscle.

Hope this was helpful!
Proud of all you are navigating.
💚

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